Marriage and its partner ... divorce.

Marriage, something many children dream doing when they are adults: the girl in a long white dress and next to her guy who is dressed like all other guys in black or grey so all attention goes to the girl, and he is happy everyone admires her. The dream wedding.


Except, it has become all so confusion for some people: the original marriage between man and wife but also gay marriage, civil partnership, LAT (Living Apart Together), many together or all alone (although that means of course for many people: poor guy or girl, not able to find someone and thus certainly unhappy although they pretend the opposite while they are getting unhappy because no-one want to believe when they say they are perfectly happy alone (then of course people will think of them as being selfish people who don't want to share and don't manage to live with others).

What is the problem when people decide to live in communities with 26 other partners, to stay within a relation with one person with or without children or to be on ones own, as long as it is people their own choice? Indeed, as long as people do not harm others then it should be no-ones business how people choose to live their life: alone or with others from opposite or same sex.

In addition, as people experience, we are living longer. But more importantly, women started working and earning money, making them independent from men. And thus when the relation becomes troubled for whatever reason (e.g. after many years people get bored with each other or meet someone else or ...), women are no longer forced to stay with their partner.

Can you imagine a couple with children that have to stick together for the rest of their lives? They no longer like each other, still society doesn't allow them to split? Indeed, the children will feel uncomfortable as their parents are harsh and unfriendly to one another, sometimes shouting to each other while they continue to be angry when they speak with their children.

The unfriendliness between the parents can become a real problem between the parents and their relation with their children when they have to stick together as is still the case in many parts of the world. Also this financial crisis seems to result in fewer divorces because people can't afford to move away from each other as that is too expensive. One can imagine tensions rise between the individuals. And this can result in domestic abuse, and not only from the man. Indeed, when things go wrong, men often use violence while women rely more on psychological terror, sometimes driving men mad. Being forced to live together, either because religious believes and thus social pressure or because of financial problems, can result in many unpleasant situations, sometimes even murder.

The same is true for those who prefer to live in communities: as long as the 27 partners are doing it on a voluntarily basis they will enjoy it but maybe they dislike some of the way certain members behave and then of course tensions within the group rise when people are forced to do certain things to improve the group feeling while the fun for the others reduces as they hate the struggle to convince the one person to join the rest of the group.

And thus divorce was invented. Instead of having to cheat on each other as people did in the past while being unkind to each other when together, people were allowed to divorce. In the beginning, few people used it because many feared society would judge them and careers could be destroyed. But after people started to notice that people who divorced felt liberated afterwards, many more decided divorce could be their liberation. Of course, we all know of many battles between men and women over the children (proof that not only women love their children but also many men fight to see their children) or over money and thus divorce can even further increase the gap between the two partners and make it even more difficult for the children. Indeed, divorces are easier when there are no communal goods to be split. Still, people start to accept it is not always good for the relation with their children when trying to stay together and so people try to reach agreements on friendly terms.

Each relationship will have its troubles that has to be overcome and thus I don't argue that people should not try to solve their problems (sometimes I think divorce has become the easy way to escape troubles). But if people really notice that troubles can't be solved it is often better to pull the plug in a civilised way than wait so long that only hate and no other option than divorce is left. Still, after the divorce, people and children may feel relieved troubles are over.

Because when people decide to divorce in a decent way, the ex-partners can much easier communicate with each other. When people remember the good days with their children and partner and fighting didn't become too large to only remember the troubles, then it is easier for both to agree on more or less equal visiting rights for the children. And when both parents contribute fairly to the children, then often the ex-partners continue being able to meet each other in a civilised way and thus the children suffer less.

But even regarding divorce people are changing. Many people start to acknowledge relations can end but don't always have to end in disaster. And although society is not ready yet, there are people who start to redefine their relations. E.g. people can decide to live apart during the week and together during weekends. Then people are not forced to live each day together and calm down while enjoy moments together with the children. Or people live together but do things separately during weekdays such as meet friends or go to theatre or watch sport while during the weekend they do things they both enjoy.

Equally when living in a community, people have to accept that not everyone likes everyone as much as the others and that people should be allowed to do certain things privately. Of course, this doesn't mean they do everything separated from the group as then they no longer belong to the group. But when everyone has some freedom then people will be more willing to join the group for certain activities everyone enjoys. As long as people are not forced to stick together but can have some freedom they will be more willing to accept some shared responsibilities. And when some members really don't like other members of the group, they should be able to leave and meet those they like outside the group. Then tensions can be kept low and other people can join the group as they may like it.

Because sometimes it is better to live alone than to force oneself to stick to a partner or group until one hates each other so much one could kill. And thus, it is always nice people want to live together, but it is equally good people can split to avoid troubles when people no longer can live together so one can stay friends afterwards or not.

Comments

Icha said…
interesting post

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